


The Shape of Water - say you want the same things too

by kaminikaku



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 23:14:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16464173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaminikaku/pseuds/kaminikaku
Summary: Water changes shape to reflect it’s surroundings.  In 2006, Jin goes to LA and Kame is determined to know why.





	The Shape of Water - say you want the same things too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [realface](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realface/gifts).



> Bilbo, I hope this covers some of your wants! This turned out very differently to what I was expecting and how I normally write; it’s a bit more deep third person point of view than I usually write. Your prompt “I need to be bold, jump in the cold water” led me to the song, and that helped shape your request for angst. Apparently, that song, that prompt and your request for angst lived in a very specific time period for me - 2006-7! (And don’t worry about the title - I swear there are no fishman!akame here).

**Ripples - October 2006**  
He’s not sulking. Definitely not.  

Or angrily focusing on what had been said.  Not that either.Or brooding. He was not a chicken. No brooding.

Or angsting.  Or..... being aggressively sad.

Or panicking.

Or regretting.

In fact he’s almost perfectly unemotional.  Like a robot. Maybe Jin was right, maybe he really wasn’t ready to deal with emotions or feelings.  Robots only have programming, they don’t need emotions.  If he doesn’t have emotions he wouldn’t need to worry about slipping.  Slipping would be the worst possible thing.

Yes, that’s something he could get behind.  A robot.

A perfect robot.

A robot just sitting here, near the ocean, on a sea wall, in the middle of the night, listening to the ocean because its the one place he has been able to find tonight where his heart didn’t feel like it was going to beat right out of his chest.

The sounds of the waves were also not really helping him drown out the sound of Jin’s voice in his ears.

The darkness was not helping him forget the look on Jin’s face either. Or the… 

A robot wouldn’t need that help though would it.

Kame draws in a shaky breath, and lights a cigarette.  Robots wouldn’t need to breathe either.  He could really become the perfect idol if he could run and dance and sing and never need to breathe.

That would be really useful. So would not sleeping, or eating. Scheduling would be so easy. They could just plug him into recharge in the car on his way to places….. Smoke curls around his fingers as he inhales.A perfect robot that never ran out of time, or breath, or sleep.There was never enough time. He exhales, steadily emptying his lungs. He was tired, so tired of not having time. Never enough time to really relax or take a break, only enough to really catch up on sleep, reset the stupid sleep pattern he was in or snatch a few hours for something that wasn’t scheduled. Thankfully their manager Hasegawa was reasonable. She could be convinced to block out a few hours here and there, but it wasn’t always her choice, and even she had limits to her influence.

A second inhale is easier, he drags the smoke from the cigarette inside and concentrates on just that sensation. Robots don’t age either. Maybe that would be the perfect future solution for the idol industry. Never needing to worry about aging or sickness or time or being perfectly prepared or whether your hair was perfect or care or …

Or importantly feel.

His throat is starting to burn, so he lets the smoke escape from his lungs. Any stinging in his eyes was due to the smoke.

After the whole Shuji to Akira debacle he had really thought it was behind him.  He didn’t think he would need to ever be like that again.  Over orange juice and pancakes, he’d promised hi..people.  He had promised that it would never be that bad again. The not eating or sleeping properly, the days on end of working around the clock because that was what was being asked.  The memory loss and losing track of where he was and the sleep walking, losing control and the supplements to help him sleep, the others to wake him up, the health schedule with vitamins and protein shakes to make sure he could keep going…

Nope.  Thinking about that morning was not going to help.

Robots had no regrets.

Regrets made you feel.  He wasn't allowed to feel. Surely Jin knew that right?  They were distracting and unprofessional. Feeling led to bad things happening for him and the group and Jin should remember what he had done to him last time he had...

He concentrated on syncing his breathing to the sound of the waves. In and out. In and out.  Ro. Bot. Ro. Bot.

It helped. 

When he finally trudged back to his car, and slid into the drivers seat, he almost felt ready to face Jin again.  To tell him what he had decided, and how he was going to manage things from now on.

Jin always understood him in the end, after he had listened and Kame had explained everything. That was still the same. So he just needed to explain the benefits, why he couldn’t let himself openly feel anything real and...

Jin wouldn’t understand that bit. He could never do it for himself, but maybe …. just… maybe he could at least see that it was Kame’s safest option? The best option for everyone? It was only a little change - idols were designed to have images, and this one was just a little more developed. Safe. It would really benefit everyone in KAT-TUN, they needed to have roles and differences in the group and this way he could be the perfect idol type. It wasn’t even that big of a stretch, he had never been treated as the baby of the group and this way he could be more of a cool type. Jin could be more his pace and… this could work.

Right?

His phone had been left on the passenger seat, and the screen was glowing.  Kame glanced at it uncertainly; it was way too late for a random phone call.  No one knew he was out here, but so few people had this number and maybe it was ..... he checked the name. 

Nakamaru. 

Nakamaru?  Icy fingers ran down his spine.  Nakamaru didn’t make random phone calls at five in the morning.  Shaky fingers pressed against the button, accepting the call.

“Where are you?”  Nakamaru demands. “I’ve been calling for two hours.”

“Sorry,” Kame croaks.

Nakamaru pauses. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Kame bluffs, his voice creaky from disuse. He clears his throat.  “Sorry I left my phone in the car.  What’s wrong?”

Nakamaru ignores the question.  “Where are you?” He demands again.

“I went for a drive.  I wanted to see the ocean,” Kame says and Nakamaru swears. “I just needed a break after all the filming promotional bookings for Tatta this week, and I have a late call today.” He knows he sounds defensive, but the words slip out before he can stop them. It may not have been the smartest or most responsible decision to stay out all night, but he was allowed o…..

“Where exactly?” Nakamaru interrupts.

“Numazu.”

“You drove all the way to Shizuoka?” Nakamaru swears again, and Kame feels the tendrils of worry spiraling in his stomach get stronger. “How long until you are back?”

Kame checks his watch.  “Two hours?”

“That’s too late.  You won’t make it.”

“For what?”

“Jin’s press conference.”

“Why is he having a press conference?”

Nakamaru is silent and the surge of panic that hits Kame’s stomach makes him think of a rollercoaster.  “What press conference?”

The way Nakamaru drags in a breath unsettles Kame even further.  “It’s scheduled for this morning.  Jin’s going on hiatus.  He flies to the US today.”

“What?”  Kame whispered.

“He said you knew.”

“No.”

“He said you agreed to it.”

“I didn’t agr...” he broke off.  “No. Nakamaru.  I said we needed to change the group dynamic, not… I didn’t mean.... Tell him no. Tell him not to.”

“Kazuya.” Sharp, like a knife cutting across his nerves.  “Kazuya, it’s too late to stop this. It came from Johnny.

“I didn’t mean... Nakamaru I swear I didn’t mean for him to...”

“Get back to Tokyo.  Get back here now.  Do not go to your apartment, come straight to the agency and we can try and … Get yourself here.”

“I will be there as soon as I can."“Kame, drive safely. An accident or a police stop today is not going to go down well.”“I will.”

He didn’t make it.

They stopped him in the agency carpark. 

**

**Tides - January 2007**

He couldn’t see the beach from here, but he could hear it. The waves rolling over the beach, crashing on the sand, over and over in the darkness. High tide. It wasn’t cold. It was winter, but California wasn’t cold. He pulled his collar up around his neck. Even here on the coast, it was cool down by the water.

Easy to forget that it was winter in Tokyo.Easy to forget that January usually meant biting icy wind, grey skies and heavy coats.

He didn’t forget though.

It was just so different here.

Not only the weather of course. The people, the places, the food, even the trains - that hardly anyone used. The cars were huge. He’d eaten so many hamburgers. Worn whatever he wanted. Pulled his hair back under a cap and not shaved for days.

Bought beer.

Smoked in public.Waited in line to get into a club.

Been anonymous.

People asked him how his day was as they rang up groceries, and then his grocery list and answer didn’t end up in magazines or on morning tv.He felt so free.He had so much control over his own time. He had classes scheduled, but then he could decide what to do after hours. When to eat, when to party, when to watch TV or play video games.

His choice.

Had to worry about how to pay for things, and whether his bills were paid and how to do things.

Language school was helping, but there was still so much to learn and sometimes the words he did know tangled up on his tongue and he was left stuttering instead of talking. He felt so frustrated sometimes, but he was making progress. There were times when it came easily, when the words just rolled off his tongue. Or the times that it suddenly made sense, when the phrases rearranged themselves and the teacher smiled and praised him, and he felt the flush of success. The impulse to turn and share it with someone… those were the times he felt the sting of loneliness.

That was what made him scared at how easy it would be to forget his life in Tokyo.

It wasn’t like he was cut off from Tokyo. The internet connected him to family and friends sent emails and photos and occasionally links to youtube videos. The time difference made it inconvenient but not impossible to make phone calls, but schedules and commitments made phone calls rare.He isn’t unhappy.

He isn’t entirely sure he is happy.

Just different.

Christmas and the turn of the year had been so different. Families gathering for Christmas dinners, presents and happy holidays said to everyone you saw. Celebrating the countdown to midnight on a club dance floor with 100 people instead of a Dome with 50,000. Being kissed by anyone within arms reach for the first ten minutes of 2007, and not being worried about pictures in the newspapers.  
Watching low quality videos of kohaku and countdown news reports on his laptop as he got ready to go out. Watching them again as he got home at dawn, trying to get his head around it was already two days into the year in Japan and only starting here in LA.

It would be easy to forget all that when no one here really knew what he had been doing the previous year. The freedom to be himself, he wanted and needed it, and he had it. Was it enough though?

Jin leans back, resting his head on the back of the bench. He stares up, into the darkness, but he can’t see the stars or the sky from his position here under the verandah roof. One of his classmates had pulled together a beach house weekend party, and a van full of them had driven down the coast together. They weren’t allowed to smoke inside, house rules, so here he was sitting outside in the dark listening to the ocean. He spun his lighter between his fingers, over and over - the movement was as steady and mindless as the unseen waves. They kept going, those he couldn’t control.

The lighter he can.

He flicks open the top, and stares at the flame. Slowly, he pulls out a cigarette, and lights it, lets the smoke curl around his fingers and linger in the air around him.

The school had organized a camping trip. Maybe that was it. The tipping point where he wasn’t sure anymore. A 2 day camping trip, and he hadn’t had other plans, and the teacher made it sound amazing, and there was always camping trips in movies, and he had gone along. It wasn’t the first time he had slept in a tent, although it sure as hell had been colder this time.

They had built a camp fire, toasted marshmallows, and someone had brought a guitar, and there was laughing and singing songs. Some that he recognised, some that people taught each other and… the guitar had ended up in his hands, and someone asked him to sing something.

  
He still remembered the way his brain froze and his tongue tangled up and he had tried to pass the guitar to someone else, because there was no way he could sing english and play guitar in front of these people, and then one of his classmates had laughed and said just sing something in japanese.

His fingers had found the chords easily enough, as he picked out the intro to Care. He could have blamed his croaky voice on disuse, but it wasn’t that. For one scary moment he had worried that nothing would come out the way he intended, but after the first line, his voice was there, strong and sure and him. He hadn’t sung for weeks, and sitting there in the dark with his classmates and teachers and no pressure or expectations, and it had been blissful.He had missed it, he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it.

The happy surprise and the thanks from his classmates after he finished were nice, the applause made him oddly shy for a second and then Tomas had pointed at the new girl, Min Jee, and jokingly scolded her for crying. Ducking her head, she had protested she wasn’t but the mood had broken, and Jin hastily handed the guitar over to the next person.

The singing continued, and Jin had clapped along, hummed along when asked until finally someone had announced it was time for the last song. Min Jee was holding the guitar, and she asked everyone to join in if they knew it, and somehow Jin knew what it was she was going to play. Moon River. She sang it quietly, her voice trembling and the uncertainty in the way she formed her words tugged at him. Without really thinking about it, he had joined her on the melody, easing over the words she wavered on, smoothing the edges and by the time they reached the final chorus he automatically shifted into a harmony.The last notes lingered, faded slowly into the happy hush of their group, as everyone quietly headed into their tents.Jin had laid awake for hours, listening to his heart beating, feeling his blood pulsing in the silence around him, while still hearing music. Yes, that had definitely been the start of it.

Music made him happy.

Performing made him happy.

Singing made him happy.

For one brief blind moment as the final notes of the harmony had soared into the sky, he had turned to Kame to share that moment of happiness and the stark realisation that he was there alone had felt crushing.

It had been so automatic, that last check in with the person singing with him. Until it was over he hadn’t realized what he was really doing, and then - then he knew.

He needed to sing.

Did he need it more than what he had found here though?

The question had torn at him for days now. Made him restless and snappy, tired in grammar class and distracted in conversation class.  
The relentless waves of the ocean pull at him. He could stay, he could stay and try to make a life in music here in the US. LA was right there, how many people had dreams and tried to follow them in LA?

It wouldn’t be safe or easy. Would it be smart? When he had an agency and a contract and the ability to sing in front of thousands of fans? When he still stumbled over conversations, could he write songs? Would anyone be interested in him singing them?

It wasn’t smart.

And … part of him still wanted to try. Part of him wanted to stay here and try and make it. People liked him singing. People liked his voice. He could dance. He looked good on stage. He could learn what he needed to do to make it worldwide.Alone.

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to do it alone.

He didn’t want to do it alone.

His contract was also water tight, and Johnny had a far reach. He couldn’t imagine many doors being opened to him once they heard Johnny was upset with him.

It would be easier to go back.

Even then, Johnny had not guaranteed he could go back to the way things were. At least six months. KAT-TUN had rolled on without him, hadn’t slowed down at all. Would they have a place for him now?

Would they even want him back?

The reasons to come to LA were still there. The need for change, the drive to see what he could do, the need to spread his wings and be free was still there. So was the loneliness and the need to perform. Cold he ever even be free with all the baggage?

He couldn’t tell. Back and forth, like the tidal waves, pulling him in each direction. Stay or go, stay or go.

Until he couldn’t even tell himself if he meant stay in KAT-TUN or go back to KAT-TUN.

If he went back, it would be different. Johnny had made that clear, and now he had tasted freedom. Would he be able to slot himself back into that micromanaged life? Lack of privacy, lack of control, lack of freedom. Would applause and performing and money make up for the lack of those?He wavers, stuck on that moment before he has to make the decision. Stay or go. Stay or go.

His phone buzzes, and Jin almost jumps out of his skin. Four AM is not a normal time for phone calls, well not anymore. Four AM phone calls in Tokyo had been a little more predictable on clubbing nights, but most of the people he knew in the US were asleep in the house behind him.

Fumbling in his pocket, he grabs his phone, and the long line of digits on the screen make his stomach drop. Japan calling at this hour - no wait it was like 8 pm over there. Probably not a disaster then.

“Hello?” he answers, and then wants to kick himself.

“Jin?”

“Yeah,” he replies, switching back into japanese. “It’s me.”

“It’s - oh sorry it’s what 4 AM there? I forgot about the time difference. I can call back later -”

“It’s fine,” Jin interrupts, “I was still awake, Kame.”

“Right.” Kame pauses, and the silence stretches between them.“How are you?” Jin asks finally, when Kame shows no sign of actually talking.

“Good.” Jin raises an eyebrow, and wonders if Kame can somehow feel that all the way across the Pacific, because after a few more seconds, Kame continues. “Busy. The drama finished filming, and we did the end of year shows, and we are recording stuff for the new album soon and starting to look at concert preparation and … they want me to sing Bokura no machi de as a solo on Shounen Club Premium.”

“Is that a problem?”

“It feels weird enough as a five person song, I don’t want to sing it as a solo.”

Jin isn’t sure what to say to that. In fact, he isn’t really sure that this phone call is about or why it is happening. “Can’t you sing your last solo?” he offers.

Kame snorts. “Apparently not. It’s too old and they don’t want me to sing my new one either.”

The pause spirals out into a solid silence, and Jin feels his heart beating in rhythm with the ocean again, except this time it seems like Kame’s breathing has joined too.

Jin opens his mouth to speak, but Kame beats him to it. “I don’t understand why you went.”

“It’s complicated, Kazu.”

“Not good enough.”

“I needed the change,” Jin finally offers. “The chance to learn English properly, and the chance to be me. I needed it.”

“I know that. I know why you want to be there, and what you want from it,” Kame answers, impatience coloring his voice. “Why did Johnny let you go?”

For a moment Jin feels everything around him stop. No one was meant to ask that. Obviously, he chose. Obviously, he decided. He’s always wanted to try living in America, obviously it was his choice.

“I understand why you wanted to go,” Kame continues, apparently not wanting to let this go. “I don’t understand why Johnny let you go.”

“Kazu,” Jin starts, but Kame cuts him off.

“I’ve had months to think about it Jin. If I went to Johnny and said I wanted a break, I would get a three day weekend if I was lucky. If I went to Johnny and said i was desperate to move to Paris to study French, he would pat me on the head, order me a croissant and arrange a french tutor. Why did he let you go?”

“I’m not as important as you?”

“Don’t even.”

“Kazu.”

“I’ll tell you what I think. I think there has to be something else.” Kame pauses, and Jin stops breathing. “I think Johnny has something he used to threaten you, and you agreed.”

“Don’t be sill-“

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Kazu.”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Kazu, I really needed the change.”

“So you have said.” Kame pauses, and then moves in for the kill. “Why would the company care what you needed?”

Jin can’t think of anything to say that would sound believable, so he clutches the phone and waits for Kame to speak again.

“Your going away had to benefit them somehow. What was it?”

“There was a situation,” Jin says finally. “They had photos, and they said the best way to deal with it was for me to go on hiatus, and wait for it be dealt with. Johnny said we would discuss things later.”

“For fuck’s sake Jin, how could you be stupid enough for there to be photos?” Kame’s anger crackles down the phone line, and Jin holds on as Kame berates him for his stupidity and carelessness. “You know how they feel about that? Anything other than photos or video can be explained away.”

“It wasn’t exactly my idea,” Jin says sarcastically, and then regrets it, because Kame is on a tirade and that never ends well.

“Whose idea was it then? I mean photos? How did they even take them without your noticing? You must have had some idea they were following you surely?” Kame huffs, and Jin can picture the way his eyes are narrowing and his jaw clenching. “Why didn’t they just buy them? They buy everyone else’s…”

“That wasn’t an option apparently.” Jin says evenly, and Kame misses the quiet warning to stop.

“How could it not be an option? That is always the first reaction when they bring photos. Oh my god. Where did they come from? Were they not paparazzi photos?”

“Huh?”

“Was it someone inside a club? Someone you trusted?”

“Kame.”

“They should have paid for them.”

“Kame.”

“I’ll go and see Johnny and tell him that…”

“Kazuya. Stop.” Jin hears the breath Kame drags in, and waits to make sure that Kame is actually listening. “You need to let this go.”

“Why?”

“It’s done. It’s decided. Talking to Johnny won’t help.”

“Who else is involved?”

“There isn’t..”

“There has to be. There must be someone else involved. Otherwise, you would have fought it. Who is it? Nishikido? Pi? Shirota?”

“Kame. Stop.”

“They shouldn’t have let you be the only one to take the fall, why didn’t you..”

“Enough, Kame. It was my decision. It was the best option.”

“For who? You got to run away to LA, and left the rest of us to try and deal with…”

Jin finally snaps. “I did not have a choice. It would have ruined us! I had to go.” He bites his tongue, knowing Kame will catch his slip.

“Us?”

“Let it go, Kazu. I made the agreement with Johnny, he took care of it, and we talk again after six months.”

“Us?” Kame asks again.

“Don’t push. You aren’t involved, that was part of the deal.”

“How would I be involved?”

Jin winces, and swears under his breath.

“Jin.” The icy smooth Kamenashi voice is back, and Jin knows there is no escape. “Who else was in the photos?”

He tries anyway. “Please, Kazu.”

“You always suck at lying. Am I in the photos?”

“I agreed with Johnny that you had no part in this.”

“Am I in the photos?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in the photos?”

“Yes.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“It’s the story they can make out of the photos. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but it would look bad. Some of them would look really bad.”

“Details, Jin. Details. When and what and where?”

“It was in the last week of your Suppli shoot, you went out to a wrap party for one of the other actors and it was late. Someone slipped you a real drink, and it messed you up.”

“I wouldn’t have drunk anything, not like that. Not with Uchi and Kusano and they had warned us to be…” Kame can’t quite process it. “I was so careful.”

“It wasn’t the alcohol. I think it was whatever they were giving you to help you sleep and keep you going. The stuff that they started giving you during Nobuta.”

“I wasn’t… I stopped taking that stuff.” Kame starts and then stops. “Oh fuck. The vitamin and protein powders?”

“I think so. It wasn’t as bad as before but we all noticed. The longer shooting went on, and the more exhausted you got, around week seven, you changed. You had loads of energy, could barely sit still through meetings, didn’t sleep for days. It wasn’t as bad, not like before.”

“I don’t remember. Drama shooting, and meetings and recordings and all the normal stuff I remember that, but I don’t remember the nights after.”

“On that night, one of the production staff noticed you were off. She realized it would be bad if the press saw you like that, and she called in a favour to get a phone number, and Hasegawa called me to pick you up. When I got there, you looked like you were stumbling drunk, but it was different. You couldn’t focus, you kept rambling and trying to take off your shoes. I got you outside, used the back door that opened onto the alley so no one would see us.”

The ocean waves seem loud in his ears and Jin feels that odd suspension again, caught between push and pull. There was no take back for this.

“Once we got outside, you kissed me in the alley.”

“I what?”

Earlier that night, Jin would have given most of the money in his bank account to avoid ever having this conversation and now he would give almost anything to not be having it over the phone.

The vulnerability in Kame’s voice cuts him deep.

“I had my arm around your shoulders, and you were leaning on me, and you kissed me. On the mouth.” Kame had asked for details, and Jin knew he would rather die than ask for that one, but he needed to know everything now. No more secrets. “You kissed me on the mouth. A proper, deep, kiss.”

“Fuck,” Kame whispers.

“Kazu.” Jin realises that he needs Kame to hear this bit. “I let you.”

Kame doesn’t reply, but his ragged breathing tells Jin he is still there.

“I let you.” He repeats it, so there is no confusion. “You kissed me, and I let you.”

“I don’t remember.”

“I know. Believe me, I know.” A half smile, and Jin can hear it in his own voice. “I realized you didn’t remember.” Kame needed to hear the rest of it. “There was a photographer somewhere nearby, I think maybe in a car. He got photos of that kiss, and the rest of it.”“What else could there be?”

He made a split second decision that maybe Kame didn’t need to hear absolutely everything. Just the parts that were locked in Johnny’s filing cabinet. “You tried to take things a little bit further,” Jin started delicately, not mentioning his wandering hands, choosing to focus instead on the major points to try and spare Kame some of it. “I realized that you weren’t acting like yourself, where we were, and I ended the kiss. You tried to kiss me again, and I held you back against the wall. Just using my hands on your shoulders, trying to convince you to listen to me, but you weren’t interested in talking.” Jin’s tongue darted over his dry bottom lip, an unconscious sensory memory. “I had to basically pin you to the wall using my body weight to keep you under control. You took some convincing.” 

Kame’s quietly ragged breathing is the only sign he is still there, but Jin knows he is.

“The photographer was behind us, so in the photos it looked like I was holding you against the wall and taking advantage of you. A very drunk you. A possibly underage drunk you. That was the story they were going to print.”

“I wasn’t underage by then!"

“I know, but you had your hair tied back, and mine was under a cap. People would have considered it possible, and you were clearly drunk. In proving that you weren’t underage, we would have had to explain everything else in the photos.”

“Fuck.”

That single word was enough for Jin’s stomach to turn over, and his hands clench into fists. The only thing, the only positive thing he had managed to find about the entire situation had been that Kame didn’t know, and he wouldn’t ever know.

Now that was gone, and he felt at sea.

“Fuck. I’m sorry. Jin. I’m sorry.”

“Kazuya. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“This is fucked?” Jin suggests in a serious tone, and smiles as Kame chokes and then laughs in disbelief.

“Yes it is.”

“Now that you know, you can’t tell anyone. Johnny insisted that you were never to be told about this. If I told you that meant I was out of the company for good.”“Why?”

“He said it was because you had worked too hard, and you didn’t deserve it.”

“And you did? That old motherfu-“

“He wasn’t entirely wrong. You didn’t deserve it, and you do work hard. I don’t think it was the main reason though. I think it was about protecting the company.”

“It’s always about the company.”

“Of course it is.”

“He should have bought the photos.” Kame was not willing to let it go, and really Jin wasn’t surprised. “He must have spent millions over the years keeping photos out of the press. Why not protect us?”

“Honestly? I think he made the choice to protect the company. He had too many photos, and the photographer must have had other shots, the ones that Johnny didn’t show me. He had photos of us leaving through the back door, he had no reason not to take photos of you kissing me, but Johnny didn’t show me those. Just the shots of us in the doorway, the ones where we were clearly shown, and then the ones of me holding you against the wall. Either he had those photos or the photographer was keeping them, but it’s not the first time he’s been approached like this. Johnny would have demanded everything before handing over a cent. He bought them, I’m sure, because they ran a story with pictures from one of my Lex nights instead. He was protecting us, in a way, but I really think he was worried that in a scandal like that would have been, other information about the company would come out.”

“Like what?”

“Kame, you really can’t think all those protein powders and vitamin pills and supplements they gave you were legitimate. They work too well.”

“I know you don’t like them, but - “

“I don’t like them because I can see how they messed you up. They used them to push you over the need to rest or eat and keep you going. When a normal person would have needed sleep or food, you opened up a packet and were good to keep going.”

“Those came straight from Doctor Saito. He made sure those were balanced with my workload and my sleeping patterns and he tailored them for me. Like an athlete. My schedule was so heavy I needed assistance. That was why they put me on the health management schedule.”

“You told me that back then too.”

“It’s true!”

“When you backflipped wrong, and fell off the stage, who looked after you?”

“Doctor Saito.”

“Yeah. Now ask yourself how someone who was in charge of overseeing the massage tables and first aid was able to give you two injections of painkillers strong enough to keep you walking and moving, and send you right back out onto the stage?”

“He’s a proper doctor.”

“He might be a proper doctor, but Kame, he is shady as hell. He is also the company doctor.” The sun is starting to come up, the darkness lengthening into shadows around him. “I know you trusted him. I know that. He did look after you when you needed someone to push back against management, but he was giving you stuff that knocked you out in five minutes, and then four hours later he woke you up with a protein shake and you were good to film for the next 24 hours.”

“That doesn’t mean … I needed it. I needed it to get through what i needed to do.”

“Yeah.” Jin pushed his fingers into his hair, pulling it back from his forehead. “You needed it to get through, and the company made sure you had it. In Nobuta you were drinking shakes and falling asleep if you sat still for 3 minutes. Do not tell me you were fine. You were sleep walking during rehearsals. We had to lock the rehearsal room or we would lose you.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“It was starting to happen again. Those last few weeks of Sapuri, and even for 24 Hour TV. They were helping you, right? Keeping you on a health schedule? I could tell. That night, when i picked you up, you weren’t drunk. You were stumbling, and you had no inhibitions, and you passed out in the car. You were so deep under but when I pulled you out of the car, you knew who I was and asked me where you were. I told you we were at my apartment, and you headed towards the elevator. It was bizarre. You said you were tired, sat down on my couch, and slept for nine hours. I tried to lay you down, and you fought me off. You pushed a blanket off. And… your eyes were half open. It was like you were half awake, and deeply asleep at the same time.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember any of this.”

“Do you maybe remember the next morning? What you thought had happened?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, you woke up, and you thought we had spend the night playing mario-kart. You remembered filming the day before, and then it was like you inserted an old memory from 2004. You had no memory of going to the party, or me picking you up.”

  
“Orange juice and pancakes. You gave me orange juice and pancakes.”

“I did.”

“I think I remember that then.”

“That’s when I made you promise to change that health schedule. You needed to get out of it. And you did, you started at least…”

  
“What a fucking mess.” Flat defeat colored Kame’s voice. “You could be right. You probably are.”

“I won’t get used to it.” The sky was light now, the cool and clear early morning light that was the same in Tokyo and California, and finally he could see the glint of water. “Johnny can’t know that you know. He insisted that you were not to be told, and I am not sure what he would do if he thinks I told you.”

“What can he do? He can’t release the photos. I’m sure I still have some of the stuff they have given me over the years at home.”

“Don’t even think about using that! If it is what I think it is, the police could come after you for using stimulant drugs. That won’t go away.”

“We have to do something!”

“Leave it. You’re out of it, the photos are locked away, and I’m here and everyone believes that I am happy here. It will work out.”

“Are you happy there?”

“Yeah. Happy enough.”“The only thing he could really do is stop you coming back.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to come back to KAT-TUN?”

The wave sweeps in over the shore, and then back out to sea, and Jin knows. He finally knows. Sometimes you have to make the bold decision and jump, and hope the water isn’t too cold.“Yeah. I do. I want to come back.”

“Good.”

Jin waits for Kame to say something… anything… else. “Don’t sound so happy about it,” he finally jokes awkwardly. “Or I’ll think you don’t miss me."

“I mean it. KAT-TUN isn’t the same without you. We do miss you.”

“Kamenashi…” Jin trails off, unsure what to say.

“Akanishi..,” Kame replies. “K and A. It doesn’t work the same way without you.”

“Even so, Johnny said that if I want to return then he will have conditions. He said at least six months and no guarantee that things are the same.”

“If he has conditions, well so will I!” The ferocity of his response startles them both. “I’ll tell Johnnys it’s KAT-TUN’s decision. Not his, not yours. Ours. That way we are in control of you coming back.”“I don’t know that threats will work against him. He does have something to hold over us …”

“Yes he does, but to use it he needs to show me the photos, right? He can’t threaten me with them unless he tells me. If you are right, and he obviously doesn’t want me to know about them, we can use that against him. I think - I think the best way is for you to tell him you want to come back, then when he tells us, I say that we need to meet as a group and decide.”

“Wouldn’t it just be easier to let him run things? Not rock the boat?”

“Not if we want to have any choices in the future. And … Jin you have some apologizing to do to the others.”

“I know - there just wasn’t any other way.”

“They don’t know that. If we can’t tell them why you really went, you need to make peace with them first. At least. Koki is really really angry with you. I’m not sure exactly how Ueda feels. Nakamaru and Junno understand a bit more, but we haven’t exactly had an easy time over the last few months either.”

“If Koki is really that angry, is it a good idea to give him a way to say no to me coming back?”

“I’ll handle Koki. If I need to I can agree with what he says at the start, and in the end, convince him that we need you.”

“I do think it would be easier to let Johnny…”

“No. It wouldn’t. I know what they need a bit better than either you or Johnny do right now. I promise I won’t let any of them hit you in the face.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah. You may have to let Koki hit you somewhere that won’t leave a visible bruise.”

“Hmmm, I suppose that’s fair. From his point of view."“Yeah. All he saw was you walk away from the group.”

“So did you.”

“I knew there was more going on though. At first I thought it was my fault, that you had taken something I said too literally about changing the group dynamic. Then that message you sent us when we released Bokura no machi de made me think it was something else. I had no real idea though … it’s a mess. Does it have to be six months?”

  
“I think so. Johnny was pretty adamant.”

“So you miss the album, and the start of the concert tour, and anything else we have coming up.”

“If he insists I am away for the entire six months, yep. I’ll call Johnny later today, and tell him I want to come back. Hopefully he will be happy to hear that.” Jin checks his watch, the early morning sunlight making it easy for him to see the time. “This is going to cost you a fortune on your next phone bill.”

“I’m an idol, I can cope with whatever this call costs.”

“Even so. I should go.” Jin taps his fingers on his thigh, and says, “I’m glad you called. It was good to talk to you. I’ll let you know what Johnny has to say.”

“I’ll be ready when he tells us. We may actually have a photo shoot set for New York next month. Could you get there if Johnny agrees to set up a meeting?”

“Yeah, I can do that. Much safer than me trying to get back into Japan.”

“OK, I’ll wait to hear from you.”

“Yeah.”

Jin waits for Kame to say something, anything. “ … Kazu?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you guys too. Let’s make this work.”

**Vortex April 2007**

It worked.

It actually worked.Jin had only really believed it when he was sitting in front of the cameras at the press conference. Sweating so much he left pit stains on his jacket, hair styled properly for the first time in months, and making sure he said the right thing over and over no matter how the questions repeated or tried to trick him. If he made it in front of the cameras, sitting beside the others, he was back and part of the group. So now, he was sure he was back.

Kame still wasn’t sure. Not back then. It took him longer to believe it was all set. Hope had started after the group meeting in New York when it was agreed that Jin would come back in April. It had grown when more costumes were planned for the tour, and then taken a hit when a dressing room with only five chairs and mirrors had been set up for their new TV show. Swelled up again when the costume rack had offered up a red jacket for the press conference and then drained away when Jin was escorted away straight after, and the rest of them had been sent to Sendai as a group of five to perform the concert.

He was only sure when he had been standing on the platform, Jin standing beside him wearing the tour t-shirt, and listening to the crowd scream his name. In the darkness below the stage, Jin had turned to him and nodded, and without thinking, Kame had slipped his arm around his shoulders, as much to reassure Jin as himself. They had done it. He was back.

Real Face with six voices and the screams and the way his body had tingled with adrenaline, and the crowd roared and it was real. The screams were happy, the crowd was happy, they were all there.

They had done it.

The screams had followed them off stage. Hasegawa said that the the morning TV shows had all sent camera crews, so the footage will go out tomorrow. They had pulled them off stage and pushed them straight into the black vans, telling them to get changed in there, because they needed to be on the next shinkansen that left before any of the audience made it back to the station. Peeled off sweat soaked jeans and boots, laughed as they threw socks at each other, and struggled into new jeans and t-shirts. That buzz from a successful concert, the adrenal high still singing in their blood. Pulled on baseball caps, ran up the escalators and made it onto the platform with 30 seconds to go.

Hasegawa ushered them into the green carriage, and without thinking, Kame pushed Jin into the window seat and sat beside him. Ueda and Nakamaru tumbled into the seats behind them, and Junno and Koki into the ones beside. The green car was full of people, and they had to stay quiet, and eventually they had settled into their seats with headphones on to rest. Kame had surprised himself by actually napping.

Jin nudges Kame awake just before they got to Tokyo station, giving him a chance to collect himself. Hasegawa passes out their train tickets, congratulating them on another successful concert, and quietly reminding them that they needed to be ready for pickup the next morning at 8 am for the monthly magazine shoots.

“Want to share a taxi? My place is closer than yours if you want to crash.” Jin asks Kame quietly, and doesn’t notice the sharp look that Hasegawa sends him.

“Sure.” Shouldering his bag, Kame grins and turns to Hasegawa. “Pick me up tomorrow at Jin’s place.”

“That’s fine,” she replies. “Keep your heads down and try not to make any stops on the way home. I will not be happy if there is anything in the papers other than the Sendai concert.”

“Convenience store stop only.” Kame promises.

The train arrives, and they scatter in different directions, nodding goodbyes and keeping their heads down so as not to attract attention.

They don’t say much in the taxi on the way to Jin’s apartment, mindful of Hasegawa and her instructions to keep themselves out of the news. The taxi drops them off at the nearest convenience store - Jin’s apartment building is just around the corner, and they stock up on some bentos, snacks, and beer.

As they walk into his apartment, Kame is visibly surprised that it looks the same. “Mom dropped came by to check on things,” Jin explains in response, “She said that I had no idea what needed to be done, something about water heater temperatures, and said the fridge needed to be empty and things like that…” Jin knows he is babbling, but can’t quite stop himself. “So when I got back, everything was cleaned up, and she’d done laundry and stuff.”“That’s useful.” Kame drops his bag beside the couch, and sits down, tilting his head back with his eyes closed.

“It is. I haven’t had a chance to unpack yet though. My suitcases are still packed…” Jin holds the bag full of food, hovering between the couch and the microwave. “Do you want to eat or shower first?”  
“Mmmm,” Kame answers. “Food maybe? Then shower.”

Jin heats their bentos, and by the time he returns to hand Kame a warm tray, chopsticks are laying unwrapped on the coffee table and there is a waiting beer for each of them.

The silence isn’t uncomfortable, but they both know that the talk they have been avoiding is going to have to happen tonight.

“There really is no way to go back to the exact way it was is there?” Kame finally says, finishing off the last mouthful of rice.

Jin hesitates, but knows the answer. “I don’t think so. It will always be different.”

  
“Different can still be good. Change can be good.” Kame pauses, and takes a quiet breath. “How different will it be?”

“How different do you want it to be?”“I asked first?”

“I can’t answer that Kame. I think I’m different, I would have to be right? I’ve had a chance to be different living over there, and doing things at my own pace - it’s a good thing. You have too. You’ve changed too.”

“I have. I’m fine - I just - this is what you wanted, right?”

“Yes, I wanted to come back.”“To KAT-TUN?”

“Yes.”

“And being in KAT-TUN means being the lead singer with me.”

“Of course.”

“Right.”

“Where are you going with this?” Jin asks.

“Johnny called me into his office after the press conference. He asked if we were all happy with your return, and when I said yes, he said it was good that you had learned whatever lesson you were searching for.”

“You didn’t say anything?”

“No. Then he said that I needed to make sure I was careful of my image, and that we needed to be seen as two separate parts of KAT-TUN, and that we should keep our distance. Make people see us differently. On stage and off stage.”

“Johnny didn’t say anything specifically to me about us being separated when I met him, he just said to make sure I remember the reasons why I went to the US. Which we know about, but the others don’t.” Jin rubs his eyes. “So still in the same group, but not?”

“I don’t think it’s that extreme. I think more… stand next to someone else for a while?”“That’s going to be difficult when we are singing.”

“We can make it work, especially for that. He can’t tell the choreographers and the producers to keep us apart without giving them a reason or making a fuss.”

“That’s true. At most, he could ask them to concentrate on different formations…”

“Yeah. Cartoon KAT-TUN’s set up will probably be similar. At the moment the order we are using is Junno, Koki, Me, Guest, Nakamaru, Ueda. When I asked where you would be sitting, they said between Nakamaru and Ueda. So close, but not next to where we would normally be.”

“I see. No more trips to Okinawa then,” Jin jokes. He’s not upset with the changes, not yet, but at the same time he really doesn’t want Kame to think that he is unhappy.

“Probably not.” Kame snorts and takes the bait. “You were such a brat.”

“You were the one who insisted on coming with me.”

“They would never have gotten any usable footage without me. I can only imagine how you would have reacted to the news about promoting Tsubasa wearing those old man sock shoes if you had been alone.”

“I would still have been in Okinawa though,” Jin grins at him. “I still would have had my prize!”

“You are impossible sometimes.” Kame stretches and groans as tired muscles pull impossibly tight. “Can I take that shower?”

“Sure, just let me grab you a robe and towels.” Jin rummages through his cupboard, then hands a stack of folded items to Kame. “Take anything you need.”

“Thanks.”

While Kame is showering, Jin considers his next step. Johnny hadn’t technically ordered Kame to stay away from him, and Hasegawa was picking them both up in the morning, which meant the company would know they had been together. Which was fine, Johnny hadn’t ordered Jin to stay away from Kame either, only to be responsible and aware of his image and to follow company rules. He could try doing that - so long as the company rules didn’t change on him.

He just needed to know where things stood between them. Kame had not mentioned the kiss again, and he could understand why because the focus had been on making sure he could return to KAT-TUN. They hadn’t discussed it, but he knew in his bones that Kame would have always chosen to concentrate on him coming back to KAT-TUN first anyway. It was just starting to distract him now though. The messages and phone calls, the in person meeting in New York, the press conference, the sliding right back into KAT-TUN activities, they all felt normal and fine but underneath it Jin’s nerves were on high alert. He was starting to feel hyper aware of Kame. He’d always had Kame radar, especially on stage, but now he kept track of him and it felt like he was waiting.

Kame wasn’t doing anything though.

Which meant he was going to have to do something.

Which was fine, except he wasn’t sure how to broach it, what he wanted to do or what to say.

He really wished Kame would say something. Surely he was curious too? Why had Jin let him… Kame comes back, wrapped in Jin’s thick white robe, all slicked back hair, ears and damp skin. Jin loses his nerve, and bolts into the bathroom to have his own shower.

“Are you ok?” Kame calls through the door about fifteen minutes later, when the water has turned off.

“Yeah,” comes the muffled reply, and five minutes after that, Jin finally emerges with half dried hair and a towel wrapped securely around his hips. “Better now?” he asks and Kame grins at him.

“So much better.” He circles his right shoulder and then his left. “My shoulders are still stiff though.”

“Would a massage help?”

“Are you offering?”

“Sure.” Jin sits on the couch, and gestures to floor in front of him. “Get down here and I’ll see what I can do.”

Kame slides down to sit on the floor, and lets his head droop forward as Jin digs his fingers into shoulder muscles. His thumbs start to circle across his nape, and then down his spine, slipping under the collar to push against his skin.

Without thinking, Kame loosens the robe and pulls his arms out of the sleeves, giving Jin better access to his shoulders and spine. Without a word, Jin goes to work, kneading and soothing the taut muscles and working out the knots. The further Jin moves down his spine, the more Kame sinks forward, relaxing as the tension leaves him. Finally, Jin curls his fingers over one shoulder and pulls upright, bending Kame back towards him, so he can go over the muscles in his neck once more. When he places a hand against Kame’s forehead and slides his fingers into Kame’s hair, fingertips rubbing against his scalp, Kame groans and sways even further back.“You’ve gotten much better at this.”

“My neighbors in LA were into massage. Stephanie’s a surfer and her boyfriend Chris’s an actor, they showed me how to really get the knots out.” Jin laughs as Kame wobbles his head, a sign to continue his head massage. “Steph surfs competitively, a few times she could barely move and Chris would take her left side and I would take the right.”

“Magic fingers. I want to send them a present. Ow!”

Jin slaps lightly and rhythmically, across his shoulders and down his back, ignoring Kame’s startled response. “This helps the blood circulation, you’ll see.” Finally he went back for a last few passes over his scalp. “I think that’s the best I can do.”

“If you do happen to want a career change, massage is an option.”

“I think I’ll be busy enough thanks.”

“Good. The less people who know you can do that, the better. I call first go for any future concert nights.”

Jin grins. “Deal.” He doesn’t really know what to do with his hands now, so he lets them settle gently on Kame’s bare shoulders. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I let you kiss me?” he blurts out.

Kame stills, and Jin feels the tension flooding back and his fingers automatically flex soothingly.

“I thought we agreed to forget it?” he replies.

“We didn’t agree. We never mentioned it at all.”

“Focussing on KAT-TUN was the most important thing. I thought we were making sure that nothing interfered with that.”

“Fair enough. That’s done now, and I am not going anywhere.”

“Jin. Are you sure you want to talk about this?”

“Yeah.”

Kame takes a deep breath, and without turning around, says, “Why did you let me kiss you?”

“I wanted you too.”

At that, Kame whips around so fast that Jin’s hands slide off his shoulders. “What?”

“I wanted you too.” Jin repeats, gaze steady.

“But you aren’t into guys.”

“Probably not most guys.”

“You said girls did it for you.”

Jin shrugs, but his shoulders are tense. “I’ve definitely been attracted to girls. And I can see how some other guys are attractive to other people, and yeah as far as guys go … well, it’s really just you so far.”

“Me?” Kame bites his lower lip before he can say any more, and Jin runs his thumb along Kame’s jawline.

“Definitely.” His thumb runs over his chin, and then rubs over the lower lip softly. “I’d thought about kissing you, wondered what it would feel like and how you would taste, but I never thought you would seriously try to kiss me.”

Kame swallows. “I don’t remember it at all. Nothing.”

Jin half smiles at him. “Given the choice, would you want to remember?”

“Yes. Of course, but I can’t remem…”

“So, if I kiss you now, would you let me?”

Kame stares at him, desperately checking to see if he was missing anything, any wires that could possibly be crossed. He has wanted this for years, and he had finally accepted that Jin didn’t see him as a potential lover, and now…really?

Jin starts to pull back. “If you don’t, we can just drop it.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes I would let you.”

“Thank god.” Jin cradles Kame’s face in his hands, carefully and gently, giving him time to change his mind. Then, he leans in and softly kisses him. Kame shudders as their lips touch, and Jin presses their lips languidly together. He takes his time, doesn’t rush, soft and careful, ready to pull back, but Kame sways towards him, and Jin slides his tongue into Kame’s mouth, deepening the kiss as his answer.

Jin angles his head, letting his mouth press harder, and his tongue sweep across Kame’s. Kame presses back, his tongue sliding over Jin’s, and then he moves closer, arms reaching up to slide around Jin’s neck. Jin’s mouth curls into a smile, breaking the kiss just far enough, for him to run his tongue over Kame’s lower lip, and then his arms come around Kame, and he pulls him up, holding him close as he settles back against the couch. Kame settles against him, robe around his waist, knees on the couch, bare skin warmly touching with their chests, and his arms looped tight around Jin’s neck.This time Kame leans down and kisses him. Jin’s fingers dive into Kame’s hair, anchoring his head as Kame presses short, sharp kisses against his mouth, and then deepens it. Straining closer, Jin can feel the heat of Kame’s body, and knows that Kame can feel the heat of his as well. His hands slide down Kame’s back, and Kame grinds down against him. Jin’s hands come to rest on his hips, thumbs stroking over his hip bones and fingers sliding under the fabric of the robe.

Kame finally breaks their kiss, nipping his way gently along Jin’s jawline, until he reaches his left ear. He delicately trails the tip of his tongue over the curve of Jin’s ear then catches the lobe between his teeth.

Kame’s left hand slides down over Jin’s shoulder, and comes to rest over his nipple. Fingertips gently brush against the skin, once, and then again, and beneath them his nipple pebbles in response.

“Is this ok? Are you sure?” Kame breathes into Jin’s ear.

“Positive.”

Kame grinds his hips down into Jin’s lap, and feels the reassuring hardness beneath him. Kame left his hands drift purposefully to rest against Jin’s stomach, tapping at the folds of the towel around his hips.“Does all of you agree?” he asks and grins at Jin.

“Definitely.” Jin answers and before Kame can react, he yanks open his robe, and drops it on the floor. “That’s better.”

Kame leans back, as Jin’s eyes sweep down over him. It’s not the first time Jin has seen him naked, but it’s certainly the first time Jin has seen him aroused in his lap. Jin starts at his shoulders, tracing light strokes over his shoulders, ghosting over his small nipples, his stomach, dipping into his belly button, the flare of his hips. Kame watches him with heavy lidded eyes. “Keep going.”

Jin meets his gaze, and Kame deliberately pouts at him, licking his lips.

Jin can’t help it. It’s too much. He laughs.

Kame pouts harder, sexily, then joins him.“Well that’s intense when you are up close.” Jin manages to swallow a groan as Kame deliberately rolls his hips against him. “Stop that.”

“Why? I thought you would like it.”

“I do.”

“Then…” Kame slips a hand under Jin’s towel, and then freezes. “Are you wearing boxers?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“It felt weird to come out in just a towel, when I was going to ask to kiss you. Kinda presumptive to be honest.”

“You were ok with me being naked in this robe though!”

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“You’re Kame!”

“You are so weirdly prudish sometimes.” Kame pulls open the towel, and gently rubs Jin’s erection through the soft cotton. “Now lose the boxers.”

Kame slides off his lap to sit beside him as Jin wriggles out of his boxers with as much grace as a walrus. In his defense, Kame is watching him very very closely. As he settles back down on the couch, he turns and kisses Kame again, and this time when he is finished, Kame is breathing heavily and has a nice flush on his cheeks and his eyes are back to that heavy lidded thing, but this time it’s not calculated, and Jin nods proudly to himself.

“Do you have any lube?” Kame trails his fingers over Jin’s hip, circling closer and closer.

“Oh fuck.”

“Is that a no?”

“Yeah. I don’t have any. When Mom said she was coming over to check on the place, I asked Ryo to do an emergency box run and pack up any porn and sex related stuff.”

“Jin, please don’t mention your Mom right now.”

“Good point.” Jin looks towards the front door with a sudden rush of concern that he hadn’t locked the door. “I need to get that key back.”

“Well, it’s probably to late to go our and get some now.” Kame thinks out loud and then chuckles. “I don’t think Hasegawa would approve of that conbini run.”

“Don’t mention Hasegawa either!” Jin shudders.

“Right.” Kame cocks his head to the side. “I demand a raincheck for when we have lube.”

Jin stills. “So this isn’t a one time thing?”

Kame stares at him. “Why would it be?”

“You never said you wanted more than that.”

“Jin. Look at me.”

“I just wasn’t sure!”

“Look at me. Do you want this to be a one night thing?”

“No.”

“Me too.” Kame reaches over and cups Jin’s jaw. “I definitely want more.”

“Kazu, I think - I think I want everything.”

“Everything?”

“I want the chance for us to be together and see where this goes. I want to eat dinner with you, and wake up with you. I want to hear what filming is like, and what you think about the new songs before we record them. I want to play mario-kart and …” Jin gazes at Kame, trying to read his expression, but Kame is still and quiet and - breathing. He’s breathing harder than normal, and Jin’s hopes rise. “Say that you want that too?”

“I want that same thing too.” Kame leans in and presses a kiss against his lips. “I always have.” He kisses him again. “Yes.” And again. “I want that too.”

Jin smiles, and Kame feels it in his bones. It was real. Finally. That is the truth that they are finally facing, they both want the same thing, and finally, at last they are brave enough to take that jump together. Jin tilt’s Kame’s chin up and kisses him deeply, and for the first time Kame has no questions about what Jin is really saying.

Whatever he wants, he wants it too. Now that is a theory he is happy to put to the test.

“We may not have any lube,” Kame says, stretching and then languidly pushing Jin down onto the couch, so he could hover over him. “I guess that means we will have to improvise an alternative arrangement.” Jin is hot and hard beneath him, but Kame knows he feels the same way. “Shall we look into that? Do we want the same thing?” He gives a little nudge of encouragement with his hips.

  
“I definitely want that.” Jin arches up and touches his tongue to Kame’s throat, loving the way Kame shudders against him. “Let’s see what else we can agree on?”

It was a start. Kame seizes Jin’s lower lip gently between his teeth and sucks. “Let’s.”


End file.
